i think that our thoughts are most honest and true before we sleep and when we wake up.
the past days, i havent been able to sleep properly because last week i had major migraine and slept for two days. that caused me to disrupt my sleeping pattern and got me thinking about a million different things.
for some reason, it feels like im going through mid-life crisis. but im only 24!
is this even possible?
the past days that i havent been able to sleep, i have thought about my job, my love life and basically the way i have been living my life. feels like i have everything but im still not happy. even worse, i feel so much fear. i fear that im not in the right place, not doing the right things, not spending my time right, and not being with the right person.
the past months, i have been swamped with work and was so into my new job. being a marketing manager in estee lauder is really tough. first because i am alone and have not found the right assistant and sales manager and second, because i recently had a major event. not to mention that i am also still adjusting and learning. my previous job was with the number 1 telco in the Philippines, SMART.
i feel like i have spent so much time and effort at work and now it feels like i have not been focusing on what really matters in life like family, relationships, things that i can keep and will last a lifetime. feels like i have lost my self.
i guess that is why balance is very important. the moment we get too caught up on something, we tend to loose ourselves. much like in a relationship.
looking back, i remember that this is where i wanted to be. actually this was my dream job, dream position, dream industry. but not that i am here, i thought there was so much more and thought i would be much happier.
so, this makes me rethink if where i am now is where i really want to be, hence feeling like im experiencing mid-life crisis.
as for my love life, i have been with the same guy for over 3 years now and we are still in the "its complicated", non-commitment stage.
not that its his fault, stupid me, i did agree to this setup. not that its my preference but its more, i think its the only way that i can keep him since he has been very honest on how not ready he is for a commitment.
i guess i just believed and hoped that one day that may change. but as the days go by and now its been this long, its really starting to get to me that "maybe hes just not that into me".
so im really confused and feel really stupid. but what can i do? i am happy having him too and id rather have him as my non-boyfriend than not have him at all.
but i cant help but have fear that one day ill be too old and my peak years have past me and the whole time i have been with mr wrong who ends up finding his ms right and its not me.
i cant help but feel very insecure and feel like there is something wrong with me and that im not good enough. also that he is too liberal for me.
all these negative things i feel but i also remember the good parts like how much he cares for me and how he makes me happy and inspires me everyday. he is a great person and right now, i cant imagine not having him in my life.
i know its probably not right and is too much of a risk and im torn between being happy and doing the right thing. its cliche but for some reason "its wrong but it feels so right".
so again, like mid-life crisis its like im evaluating the key parts of my life. my job, my love life and right now both just dont seem right. AT ALL! and its SO NOT GOING THE WAY I WANT.
so, today, dec 2, 2008, i cant sleep and i have opened up my feeling of having a mid-life crisis. there, i have admitted it and in my normal daily life, i am in denial of all these things and everyday i pretenf that everything is okay.
this blog will be everything about me being honest to myself and that is only when i cant sleep.
